Not Just Others, or the story of how he broke me
by Scarlett Salmagundi
Summary: Never in your life did you think this could or would happen to you. Every day you read about it, feeling sorry for whomever it happened to, shaking your head at the bad in the world, but never ever do you consider it could happen to you. Warnings: Rape and emotional abuse
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: This story is partially inspired by true events. Someone suggested writing about it to help me work through and overcome residual feelings and so on.

Warnings: Emotional Abuse, Rape

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, they all belong to J.K. Rowling and the various people/ agencies she has sold the rights to.

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Never in your life did you think this could or would happen to you. Every day you read about it, feeling sorry for whomever it happened to, shaking your head at the bad in the world, but never ever do you consider it could happen to you. Things like that, you think, only ever happens to others. Oh, how you were wrong, how you wish you could go back in time and warn yourself not to trust him, this boy who called himself your friend.

'I love you' you hear, you blink and stare up into the silver eyes looking down on you. Your brain is going at a billion miles an hour. He loves you, he said so. You tell him you love him too. You really do to, as much as you wish you didn't, but you need him. Without him you are nothing. He's hugging you, holding you close and you can't breathe, something about his is so captivating, you can't work out what though. It is the way he makes you feel like you're the only girl in the world for a moment, only to follow that up by tearing you apart or is it simply the way in which he looks so beautiful, so _pure_?  
You were pure before you met him, had never so much as kissed another man. That changed quickly though, you hadn't had the choice really, only an illusion.  
Of course he'd initially asked for consent, you didn't give it. You explained how you were brought up to save yourself till marriage, and how you actually wanted to, as sappy as it sounds. He laughed and called you a prude. You grinned at him ruefully. If only you had left then none of this would have happened, but in typical fashion you hadn't, only settled back down and go back to kissing. Somehow you end up topless, you're not overly pleased by this, but then again you feel like at the 'tender' age of 18, you can't really say no to a little light petting. He asks for sex again, you glare and laugh, saying you've already answered that. He grins and you resume your previous activity. Eventually he asks again and again, and again. He begs, saying being hard for too long hurts, that you're causing him pain, that you're too hot for him to resist. You feel bad so you compromise. You'll wank him off and he'll finger you. This is the beginning of the end. With his fingers inside you, he somehow manages to get on top of you and to lie between your legs. You already feel ashamed, you shouldn't be doing this, but you said you would, so you let him. He asks again, begging for you to let him put "only the tip" in. You try to grin this time, your alarm bells are ringing, you say no. He glares at you and grabs your wrists, pinning you to the bed. Now, he's grinding on you and whispering in your ear about how he knows you want him. Struggling isn't helping, his lithe body is pure muscle and even though you are strong, you aren't strong enough so you give up. You _GIVE UP_. You still, several years later don't forgive yourself. Suddenly, he's inside you, fucking you even though you said no. No, no, no, no, no, this shouldn't be happening to you, you always took pride in being strong, both physically and emotionally but right now, right now you feel weak, small, vulnerable.  
He finishes inside you and pulls out, hold you close and whispering about how it wasn't that bad, about how you enjoyed it, about how you brought this on yourself. He calls you his good girl and falls asleep holding you close. You can't escape so you stay. You feel broken and used and dirty, so dirty. How will anyone ever see you the same anymore now that you've been raped. Tears leak out of the corners of your eyes and you get angry. So angry, because you hate him. You really do, but that little part of you now belongs to him. It's not like you can just take your virginity back is it. Eventually you cry yourself to sleep.

It's been a few months since that's happened, and you hate yourself more than you ever have. You kept going back to him, he was your only friend, a fact the revelled in telling you, without him you were nothing, so you stuck around. Sometimes he was loving, sometimes he was not, but you rationalise his behaviour, after all who has a perfect relationship? The rape doesn't stop there either, he takes pride it seems in making you cum against your will, as if he was in a fucking competition against you, a battle of mind versus body.  
Eventually you have a mild pregnancy scare, these things happen, he makes you take the morning after pill and you lock yourself away for three weeks, claiming illness. No one comes to check on you safe him. After all, you're his good girl and he's the only one who cares about you. You know it's not true, but somehow you believe him. The others, your actual friends are several thousand miles away, leading their own lives, why would they care what dirty little you was up to? You start believing him in other aspects too, he tells you every time that you deserve this, that this is the only type of relationship you'll ever have. That this and he is the best you'll ever have. Deep down some little corner of your mind knows it's all bullshit, but you don't fight him, you nod and smile each time, accepting his words as gospel.

Eventually you both go home, _Home_ home as opposed to _Work_ home. You move back in with your parents and start seeing your old friends again. No one realises you've been sobbing yourself to sleep every night, you can't let them know, you have to be strong. What would they think if they knew you were used, dirty, pathetic, that even though he broke you, you can't stop thinking about him? Eventually they realise something is slightly off, but they don't ask you, you're the emotionally strong one, they assume you're fine. You lock all your hateful thoughts away, pretend he never happened, pretend it was all a bad dream and you're life moves on. It had to. There was no way you would have been able to tell your deeply religious parents about not being a virgin anymore, it would only disappoint them, and hurt them unnecessarily. You know Mother already worries too much about you, and what men can do to you. You remember that since you were tiny she would warn you about strangers, walking in the dark, dressing provocatively but not once, not once did she mention that you should beware of people you actually know and trust.

It's been a few years and you've come to live with it, you met new people and you've told a few about what happened to you, they keep telling you the same things, how it's not your fault (it is) and how you're not a victim (you can't help but think that surely the very definition of the word proves them wrong), you smile and say it's all good, everything is all good. You still think about him sometimes, when you're lying in the dark unable to sleep and you still see how he affected you every day and how he changed you, you no longer trust people quite as naively as you did and there are certain things you just _can't_ do. But you'll get over them too, you know you will, after all you're the strong one and you won't let a measly little cunt like him ruin your life any more than he already has.  
That resolution was all well and good, until you saw him again...

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End note: This is thus far unedited and a rough draft, however I thought I'd better upload it before I lost the courage However I will be editing it at some point soon.  
Lots of Love, Scarlett


	2. Chapter 2: Life goes on

Author's note: This is the second chapter and the continuation of the story. Thanks for the positive feedback.

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You see him again, that ghost from your past, the one you desperately tried to forget. There he is with his white blond hair glinting in the sun. You try to hurry away, hoping he doesn't see you. You look back and wish you hadn't. He sneers at you. He's seen the fear in your eyes, you're sure of it.  
Memories come up, you choke back a sob.

Your paths cross many a time, after all you did work together, you share friends and acquaintances, each time you keep your eyes firmly locked on the ground. Hoping the childhood law of 'if I can't see you, you can't see me' really works, that as long as you don't catch his eye he will leave you alone. Of course it doesn't work, life isn't a bloody fairy tale.

Soon you have to wonder whether he might be following him, wherever you go you see him, in the shops, on the streets, even at parties. You've stopped going out, you've stopped looking after yourself. Your bushy brown hair is knotted and matted and your friends barely see you. Yet no one checks on you, you are the strong one, they don't think there _could_ be anything wrong with you, they think you're just in a little 'anti-social and lazy' slump. If only they knew… they never will though, you'll never tell them. When they did talk sex and relationships with you, you mentioned him but only ever favourably. Too proud to admit that you'd been so _weak_ as to go back to him after that first time.

University starts, you move away and thankfully so does he. You put on your mask again and you make do, you even get a boyfriend not that that does well either, when you tell him you're not ready to have sex again (You've told him about your previous) he threatens to kill himself, says that he can't live without it. He implies that you're hurting his feelings since you had sex repeatedly with your rapist and won't with him. What about my feelings you ask. What about me? He calls you a whore. You start to remember how he, your silver eyed demon, said that you deserved this and would never get anything better than him. You start to wonder whether he's right.

Your new friends worry, they see straight through you. You eventually tell them what happened and they make light of it; "We're sorry that happened to you" they say, "It could have been worse though" they also say, you lose it completely when one of them says: "At least you're not a 20 year old virgin". You punch her, immediately you feel better. Bitch. She makes you realised that no, it wasn't your fault. That people will always be that way, rude, revolting, and judgmental but that you don't have to go along with it. Slowly you build yourself up. You slowly get back to being the brash, loud and _PROUD_ girl you were before, yes shitty things happened to you, and yes you possibly could have stopped them but they make you who you are now. You still have setbacks, some days you can barely drag yourself out of bed, some days you want to mutilate your body, cut off the breast he, _Draco_ , loved so much. You can say his name now without wincing.

And then you meet someone. You meet him by accident, and you chat everyday thanks to modern technology, you meet up and, yes you go home with him. You're proud of yourself. He ties you up and you're loving it, loving how sex feels when you want it, or you think you do. Suddenly you start shaking, you break into tears. You think he's going to leave you, after all you barely know each other. He doesn't though, he holds you tight, pulls you onto his lap and comforts you. He asks you what is wrong and you end up telling him vaguely. He looks horrified and angry, so so angry. You think he's angry at you and out of habit you cower away. He then kisses you, strokes your hair still looking like he's going to punch someone and then he opens his mouth and reassures you. He doesn't think you're any of the adjectives you've given yourself. Not dirty, not used, not worthless and he calls you beautiful, even though he knows these things about you now. You never thought you'd ever be loved after Draco and yet here you are, after having met this boy a few weeks ago you feel like maybe, maybe you were wrong. Maybe you do deserve to be loved.  
You stay with him, and today, today is your three month anniversary. Not long, but still more than you expected. You love him and he says he loves you too. Somehow, for the first time in ages, you believe him. Life is good. You no longer thing of Draco and the vile things he did to you, you've learned to forgive and forget. Even when he sends you a friend request (the bastard) you ignore him and just… you just feel sorry for him. How desperate must someone be to do what he has done, to not let you go?

Of course you still occasionally burst into tears and have slight feelings of hate but your love, the boy you met, Ron, he helps you, he reminds you that you're worth more. More than what you think and you deserve the best. He is your world and you are his.

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End Note: That's it, a vague description. Might add more detail later though...  
Love,  
Scarlett


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